crazy

I think this past and upcoming week are driving me to insanity. I have never had a more crowded exam week. I have thirteen things due/exams. I am so tired of counting them, but for some reason that makes me feel productive. more productive than when i actually sit down to write my papers etc... for some reason, i have absolutely no motivation. i have so many other thoughts going on in my head right now.
for the first time in my life, my summer is totally weird. i know thats a horrible description, i can't say free or up in the air, cause that is what grade school summers were like. but that's almost like what it is. foggy. maybe thats a better word. i still don't know my work schedule, or my schedule for the gallery. or if i am even working at the gallery! should i bother submitting a resume to the website design place?? i dont think i have enough experience, but I want to gain more. argh. i don't want to think about it. i just want to go home and lay in my mommy, or carolyn, or sarah, or keegan's laps and cry, or breathe. just breathe.
i feel so suffocated. i don't have time to myself, but i do. my every waking moment is filled with what i need to be doing. i am so paranoid that what i am doing or not doing this summer is going to fuck up my life. what if i do that gallery job, is that enough of an experience graphic design wise to help me in the future? i dont even know! argh. what the fuck. i dont want to think about it.
and then there's the boy situation. i havent had a boyfriend in a year and a half. its hard to think about. i think i am, no, i cant even finish that sentence. because i know i am not. in my deeper self, i know i am not and will never be. songs that make me think of him still put me in an odd mood, thankfully i dont cry anymore, but they still depress me. the other day i watched the notebook and i found myself sobbing and cursing him. i can never watch that movie alone again because there are too many parallels. or am i just drawing those because my mind likes to go to that? on the whole guy side, i have messed around with too many and yet, for some reason, i am not good enough for any of them. what about me screams one night stand? why dont they ever want to actually get to know me? i have tried not going home with guys, but then i never hear from them again. i really think i just need to learn to say no. guys can get shot down. they'll deal with it. most of them are heartless anyway. whats going on with adam? should i even keep pursuing that? is he too old? does he like me or am i annoying? does he just want to hook up with me? is this just a really long extended night of a guy trying to hook up with a girl? is that what i am in it for? is that what all relationships are?? or at least the ones i have been in? urgh..
i am scared shitless to stay here over the summer. i feel like its going to end up with me being pretty damn lonely. emily, from the main cup, said something tonight that hit really really close to home. she was talking about how she doesnt like to be alone. she said that she used to like it, until she got to college and fell victim to depression. ever since then, she dreads being alone. it scared me how much that seemed to go along with my situation. the whole college experience has made it really hard for me to be alone. when i am alone with my thoughts, i just start thinking too much and it ends up with me getting all kinds of upset. its slightly better now that i am not as depressed as i was fresh and soph year. but still, shivers down my spine.
i can't believe i am trying this hard to procrastinate. my brain was just grasping for more things to talk about so i can avoid writing my papers for that much longer. what is wrong with me? usually i am not this bad! i can't wait for the night before to write these damn papers either, because i have so much shit to study for. because my teachers decided to be bitches and give me papers AND exams instead of just one or the other. at the moment, the only class i like (for the whole end of the year situation) is history.
oh and what the fuck is with the art department and my solo show?? as of right now, i dont think I am going to have a solo show. that upsets me a lot more than I thought it would. i am .02 away from the required gpa. WHAT THE FUCK. thats a lot of what has been driving me nuts. sigh.
holy hell, i think i just need to go home and shower and relax and write up an outline for my history of art paper. its jackson pollock, like it can be that hard. it'll be like two hours tops once i actually start writing.

onwards and upwards (i dunno... just sounded good in my head)

Katie