23.1.07
pause
ok, sidebar, i just realized my last two posts were when i couldn't sleep from thinking.... i see a trend here, and its an annoying one that i can't get rid of. damn personality flaws.
sleep....
one night this week, i want to go to bed without crying. that is my goal. pathetic, i know.
these past two days have been emotional shit. pms sucks balls cause it brings up all those feelings that I can usually ignore. I just want my period to start so i can get some fucking sleep. The past two nights, I have attempted to sleep, ended up thinking way too much (not like i hadn't been doing it all day), but since I have nothing to distract me, I start to cry. And crying wakes me up, and so then I get on my computer and either talk to carolyn (sunday night), or write on here (monday night). lets see what happens tomorrow. hopefully by this time I will be snoring.
I've been thinking too much, and I am becoming very bitter. Which is bad when you want to still be friends and all. I want to talk to him about all this, so hopefully at least some of the bitter will go away, but he is too busy. If I wrote him a letter, I doubt he would answer and it would just add to the bitter pile. So here I am, laying in bed, stewing in my bitter broth. I just want to get all this shit out of the way so we can be friends, and I don't sit there thinking about all of it instead of just relaxing and having fun. But, I can't seem to do that. Vicious internal battles suck.
ok, i think thats all for now, cause I don't feel like emotionally puking all over my blog since a) i don't feel like crying for the third time today (I talked to Sarah earlier and emotionally puked on her), and b) I don't know who all still reads this...
these past two days have been emotional shit. pms sucks balls cause it brings up all those feelings that I can usually ignore. I just want my period to start so i can get some fucking sleep. The past two nights, I have attempted to sleep, ended up thinking way too much (not like i hadn't been doing it all day), but since I have nothing to distract me, I start to cry. And crying wakes me up, and so then I get on my computer and either talk to carolyn (sunday night), or write on here (monday night). lets see what happens tomorrow. hopefully by this time I will be snoring.
I've been thinking too much, and I am becoming very bitter. Which is bad when you want to still be friends and all. I want to talk to him about all this, so hopefully at least some of the bitter will go away, but he is too busy. If I wrote him a letter, I doubt he would answer and it would just add to the bitter pile. So here I am, laying in bed, stewing in my bitter broth. I just want to get all this shit out of the way so we can be friends, and I don't sit there thinking about all of it instead of just relaxing and having fun. But, I can't seem to do that. Vicious internal battles suck.
ok, i think thats all for now, cause I don't feel like emotionally puking all over my blog since a) i don't feel like crying for the third time today (I talked to Sarah earlier and emotionally puked on her), and b) I don't know who all still reads this...
13.1.07
can't sleep
so I got home an hour and a half ago....can't sleep to save my life.
and its not that I am thinking too much about shit (I am starting to since I can't sleep - but thats why I got on here). I am just not sleepy. Which sucks.
God damn it, the 2 button just fell off again. one sec while i put it back on...222222 ok its on. I spilled soda on my keyboard like a month ago, attempted cleaning the keys by popping them off, cleaning, and replacing them. The plan worked well for both 1 and 3 keys, but 2 decided to break, thus ending my cleaning mission for fear of breaking other keys. So the others are sticky, which is annoying as fuck. I think I will clean them again once i get back to school (aka jab qtips soaked in 409 underneath them, and wiggle them around slightly). It helped a bit last time.
So yeah, things have been going slightly better. Its been rough. I made the mistake of looking at the date - its the 13th, or what would have been 23 months with nick, or you could say its been exactly 3 months since we broke up. I never thought it would be this long. Its getting better - there are still a lot of awkward moments, and a lot of times where it is just really fucking painful, but hey, thats what happens when you see him every day. Maybe it will get better when I go back to school. Please. This just sucks.... I am trying not to be bitter, but its really hard when I think back on stuff and think of questions that I want to ask, but shouldn't. I know I shouldn't ask them, but it seems like it would help, but then I would just think of new ones. But then I am left to making up my own answers, which leads me to be bitter because I assume the worst, but then he probably wouldn't have an answer, just more, "I don't know"s. argh. ok new subject, starting to tear up.... thinking too much.... la la la
Break has been good. I have had a blast hanging out with everybody and getting to know the newer guys better.... it makes me not want to go back to school, but I gotta remember that a) i don't want to transfer to slu, that would suck, b) stl just wouldnt be as much fun during school times because my girls aren't here and the guys tht are in town would be too busy with school to hang out. so yeah, back to cinci it is.
Alright, I think I am gonna go play solitaire - sounds mind numbing enough. I would keep writing but I am getting tired of typing on my keyboard since the spacebar and about half the keys are being bitches.
and its not that I am thinking too much about shit (I am starting to since I can't sleep - but thats why I got on here). I am just not sleepy. Which sucks.
God damn it, the 2 button just fell off again. one sec while i put it back on...222222 ok its on. I spilled soda on my keyboard like a month ago, attempted cleaning the keys by popping them off, cleaning, and replacing them. The plan worked well for both 1 and 3 keys, but 2 decided to break, thus ending my cleaning mission for fear of breaking other keys. So the others are sticky, which is annoying as fuck. I think I will clean them again once i get back to school (aka jab qtips soaked in 409 underneath them, and wiggle them around slightly). It helped a bit last time.
So yeah, things have been going slightly better. Its been rough. I made the mistake of looking at the date - its the 13th, or what would have been 23 months with nick, or you could say its been exactly 3 months since we broke up. I never thought it would be this long. Its getting better - there are still a lot of awkward moments, and a lot of times where it is just really fucking painful, but hey, thats what happens when you see him every day. Maybe it will get better when I go back to school. Please. This just sucks.... I am trying not to be bitter, but its really hard when I think back on stuff and think of questions that I want to ask, but shouldn't. I know I shouldn't ask them, but it seems like it would help, but then I would just think of new ones. But then I am left to making up my own answers, which leads me to be bitter because I assume the worst, but then he probably wouldn't have an answer, just more, "I don't know"s. argh. ok new subject, starting to tear up.... thinking too much.... la la la
Break has been good. I have had a blast hanging out with everybody and getting to know the newer guys better.... it makes me not want to go back to school, but I gotta remember that a) i don't want to transfer to slu, that would suck, b) stl just wouldnt be as much fun during school times because my girls aren't here and the guys tht are in town would be too busy with school to hang out. so yeah, back to cinci it is.
Alright, I think I am gonna go play solitaire - sounds mind numbing enough. I would keep writing but I am getting tired of typing on my keyboard since the spacebar and about half the keys are being bitches.
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