crazy

I think this past and upcoming week are driving me to insanity. I have never had a more crowded exam week. I have thirteen things due/exams. I am so tired of counting them, but for some reason that makes me feel productive. more productive than when i actually sit down to write my papers etc... for some reason, i have absolutely no motivation. i have so many other thoughts going on in my head right now.
for the first time in my life, my summer is totally weird. i know thats a horrible description, i can't say free or up in the air, cause that is what grade school summers were like. but that's almost like what it is. foggy. maybe thats a better word. i still don't know my work schedule, or my schedule for the gallery. or if i am even working at the gallery! should i bother submitting a resume to the website design place?? i dont think i have enough experience, but I want to gain more. argh. i don't want to think about it. i just want to go home and lay in my mommy, or carolyn, or sarah, or keegan's laps and cry, or breathe. just breathe.
i feel so suffocated. i don't have time to myself, but i do. my every waking moment is filled with what i need to be doing. i am so paranoid that what i am doing or not doing this summer is going to fuck up my life. what if i do that gallery job, is that enough of an experience graphic design wise to help me in the future? i dont even know! argh. what the fuck. i dont want to think about it.
and then there's the boy situation. i havent had a boyfriend in a year and a half. its hard to think about. i think i am, no, i cant even finish that sentence. because i know i am not. in my deeper self, i know i am not and will never be. songs that make me think of him still put me in an odd mood, thankfully i dont cry anymore, but they still depress me. the other day i watched the notebook and i found myself sobbing and cursing him. i can never watch that movie alone again because there are too many parallels. or am i just drawing those because my mind likes to go to that? on the whole guy side, i have messed around with too many and yet, for some reason, i am not good enough for any of them. what about me screams one night stand? why dont they ever want to actually get to know me? i have tried not going home with guys, but then i never hear from them again. i really think i just need to learn to say no. guys can get shot down. they'll deal with it. most of them are heartless anyway. whats going on with adam? should i even keep pursuing that? is he too old? does he like me or am i annoying? does he just want to hook up with me? is this just a really long extended night of a guy trying to hook up with a girl? is that what i am in it for? is that what all relationships are?? or at least the ones i have been in? urgh..
i am scared shitless to stay here over the summer. i feel like its going to end up with me being pretty damn lonely. emily, from the main cup, said something tonight that hit really really close to home. she was talking about how she doesnt like to be alone. she said that she used to like it, until she got to college and fell victim to depression. ever since then, she dreads being alone. it scared me how much that seemed to go along with my situation. the whole college experience has made it really hard for me to be alone. when i am alone with my thoughts, i just start thinking too much and it ends up with me getting all kinds of upset. its slightly better now that i am not as depressed as i was fresh and soph year. but still, shivers down my spine.
i can't believe i am trying this hard to procrastinate. my brain was just grasping for more things to talk about so i can avoid writing my papers for that much longer. what is wrong with me? usually i am not this bad! i can't wait for the night before to write these damn papers either, because i have so much shit to study for. because my teachers decided to be bitches and give me papers AND exams instead of just one or the other. at the moment, the only class i like (for the whole end of the year situation) is history.
oh and what the fuck is with the art department and my solo show?? as of right now, i dont think I am going to have a solo show. that upsets me a lot more than I thought it would. i am .02 away from the required gpa. WHAT THE FUCK. thats a lot of what has been driving me nuts. sigh.
holy hell, i think i just need to go home and shower and relax and write up an outline for my history of art paper. its jackson pollock, like it can be that hard. it'll be like two hours tops once i actually start writing.

onwards and upwards (i dunno... just sounded good in my head)

Katie

weird

i hate this mood.
i had a blast this weekend, and yet i have been in such a funk.
last week i had weird vivid anxiety dreams. i just looked up the meaning of accident and late, both things that have been in my dreams a lot. both said that i am having a lot of anxiety right now and i need to calm down. gee, thanks. i couldnt have figured that out myself.
i guess i am stressed out, with lots of stuff to do etc...
but what is mostly bothering me today is boys. i know its stupid to let it affect me so much, but alas it is. last night was a ton of fun (superbowl party), but i played one round of beer pong too many. i got a lot more drunk than i expected to. i flirted a lot with Brandon, which is kinda a problem and kinda not. i really like brandon, so thats why its not a problem. however, he has a gf (i think, although they are fighting all the time - fingers crossed! wow i sound like a horrible person...) and i dont know if he remembers us flirting, but i dunno. he also smokes pot, a lot. i dunno if i would be able to deal with/ be ok with that. lastly, i think i am a little embarressed because cait and andrew werent really drunk, so they obviously remember and i dunno what they think of me. i dont like being that out of control and others being sober and judging me. that really worries me. ugh, oh well. its not like i see brandon all that often and its not like anything is ever going to happen with him. even as i type that i am like "but maybe"..... but lets not get our hopes up.... it just leads to more emotional fuck ups later. oh god, and i have started referring to myself as we. this isnt good.
oh well. whatever. maybe i can fall asleep now amidst this pounding fucking headache.

things that suck

*having a good day be totally ruined by one thing, which leads to another, and another....
*getting a speeding ticket when you thought the speed limit was 35....
*realizing you are going to have to reread 33 pages of reading because your teacher just sent you study questions that you can't answer from memory.
*feeling totally overwhelmed even though the back of your brain knows you can handle it
*crying because feeling overwhelmed even though you know you are being stupid
*cramps
*paying your own heating bills aka living in a freezing cold house
*being on non speaking terms with your roommate
*overhearing your roommate make out with her boyfriend on the stairs while you are in the living room.
*overthinking what is ruining your day and therefore feeling worse and not better.
therefore, i am going to stop making this list.

Commarts

"I hope you love it all. Suck it all in and let it shape and form you into something amazing, something with depth and breadth and subtle variations in texture and color, the likes of which we've never seen. Love what you do. Love the highs and lows and weave it all into what you are to become. Be blindly in love. Be Shoeless Joe. Hold the bat up to your face. Look at the grain. Feel it on your cheek. Smell the varnish. You'll be better for it. We all will."

- Ernie Schenck

You Reading This, Be Ready

In highschool I took a lit course called "Innocence and Evil". I just found the poem packets from that class. The last poem we read, which I just reread, is amazing.

"You Reading This, Be Ready"
-William Stafford

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life -

What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting now, right in this room, when you turn around?


Another poem I love -

The First Lesson
-Philip Booth

Lie back, daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to you island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently back and wide to the light year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.

good will hunting

I have never seen this movie before, but I just happened to turn it on at the very beginning, and now i am hooked.
Robin Williams just had a fabulous speech -

Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

well, ain't that just peachy.

i feel like a dumbass. i don't like being tricked...

pause

ok, sidebar, i just realized my last two posts were when i couldn't sleep from thinking.... i see a trend here, and its an annoying one that i can't get rid of. damn personality flaws.

sleep....

one night this week, i want to go to bed without crying. that is my goal. pathetic, i know.
these past two days have been emotional shit. pms sucks balls cause it brings up all those feelings that I can usually ignore. I just want my period to start so i can get some fucking sleep. The past two nights, I have attempted to sleep, ended up thinking way too much (not like i hadn't been doing it all day), but since I have nothing to distract me, I start to cry. And crying wakes me up, and so then I get on my computer and either talk to carolyn (sunday night), or write on here (monday night). lets see what happens tomorrow. hopefully by this time I will be snoring.
I've been thinking too much, and I am becoming very bitter. Which is bad when you want to still be friends and all. I want to talk to him about all this, so hopefully at least some of the bitter will go away, but he is too busy. If I wrote him a letter, I doubt he would answer and it would just add to the bitter pile. So here I am, laying in bed, stewing in my bitter broth. I just want to get all this shit out of the way so we can be friends, and I don't sit there thinking about all of it instead of just relaxing and having fun. But, I can't seem to do that. Vicious internal battles suck.
ok, i think thats all for now, cause I don't feel like emotionally puking all over my blog since a) i don't feel like crying for the third time today (I talked to Sarah earlier and emotionally puked on her), and b) I don't know who all still reads this...

can't sleep

so I got home an hour and a half ago....can't sleep to save my life.
and its not that I am thinking too much about shit (I am starting to since I can't sleep - but thats why I got on here). I am just not sleepy. Which sucks.
God damn it, the 2 button just fell off again. one sec while i put it back on...222222 ok its on. I spilled soda on my keyboard like a month ago, attempted cleaning the keys by popping them off, cleaning, and replacing them. The plan worked well for both 1 and 3 keys, but 2 decided to break, thus ending my cleaning mission for fear of breaking other keys. So the others are sticky, which is annoying as fuck. I think I will clean them again once i get back to school (aka jab qtips soaked in 409 underneath them, and wiggle them around slightly). It helped a bit last time.
So yeah, things have been going slightly better. Its been rough. I made the mistake of looking at the date - its the 13th, or what would have been 23 months with nick, or you could say its been exactly 3 months since we broke up. I never thought it would be this long. Its getting better - there are still a lot of awkward moments, and a lot of times where it is just really fucking painful, but hey, thats what happens when you see him every day. Maybe it will get better when I go back to school. Please. This just sucks.... I am trying not to be bitter, but its really hard when I think back on stuff and think of questions that I want to ask, but shouldn't. I know I shouldn't ask them, but it seems like it would help, but then I would just think of new ones. But then I am left to making up my own answers, which leads me to be bitter because I assume the worst, but then he probably wouldn't have an answer, just more, "I don't know"s. argh. ok new subject, starting to tear up.... thinking too much.... la la la
Break has been good. I have had a blast hanging out with everybody and getting to know the newer guys better.... it makes me not want to go back to school, but I gotta remember that a) i don't want to transfer to slu, that would suck, b) stl just wouldnt be as much fun during school times because my girls aren't here and the guys tht are in town would be too busy with school to hang out. so yeah, back to cinci it is.
Alright, I think I am gonna go play solitaire - sounds mind numbing enough. I would keep writing but I am getting tired of typing on my keyboard since the spacebar and about half the keys are being bitches.

random photos

more random photos. these aren't in the show, but i love em.

blinds

This is a picture I took for photography. Its gonna be part of a student artwork gallery show... just thought people might like to see a teaser. lol.

you don't even know....

blarg.
what the hell?
i know i can't assume things - i have learned that lesson in the most painful way possible. but what the hell am i supposed to think when i am not given hints, clues, or even an answer. i guess i can't expect much when i don't even ask. am i just supposed to sit here and wait, till it falls into my lap? until two months pass by? i don't want to wait. but i am afraid to act. i don't want to hurt more than i already do. but if i wait, will i lose it all? i don't even know. i feel like i am paralyzed or tied down. am i paralyzing myself? i don't know, i don't know, I DON'T KNOW.
god i sound like i am insane.
i never knew tears could hurt so much.


(sorry this is so depressing sounding.... just had to get those thoughts out on
some sort of "paper" so they would stop riding the merry-go-round in my head.)

boredom struck

I should have been working on an art project, but i decided to procrastinate and copy off carolyn. I printed out a bajillion pictures, cut them out (this was a few nights ago), and tonight I stuck them all up on the wall. Here are pictures of the wall of pictures.



The picture in the middle is bigger - 8x10 instead of 4x6, basically because it is one of my favorite pictures ever. The other pictures are just all kinds of random pics basically spanning from senior year until this august.
Yup. This is what happens when I have two bad days in a row (one bad, and the other semi-bad i guess), and put off my ceramics project, cause i just don't feel like working on it right now. That's it. I think I am gonna watch some tv now. toodles.

apartment!!

At the request of Nick, here are some pics of the apartment. I was too lazy to take pictures of the entire thing, and it doesnt look good yet anyway. We need to unpack and make it look pretty etc... But here is my room (Cait hasnt moved all of her stuff in yet) and the view from my room. :-D

sigh

This is more just a personal rambling to get stuff outta my head - read if you feel like it. If not, there is a tiny summary at the end. lol.

I've been thinking too much lately. Mostly about going back to school, how much I am going to miss all of my friends here, even though some of them don't seem like they will really miss me. I've also been thinking about stuff I want to do, like visit people. I have already hit up Truman. I want to go and see Carolyn, but I don't know moneywise. I also think I am gonna have to go up to Chicago, or maybe I can get Amanda to come see me.... I really wish people would come visit me, but I guess I am too far or something. I dunno. I doubt it will happen. That makes me kinda sad, but there isn't much I can do.
I am sad about leavin stl and the people here, especially Nick, but I want to go back to school and be with those friends, and live semi on my own. I love dorm life, and I hope apartment life is just as fun. I hate this feeling of being torn between two places, because I will go from being excited one minute, to dreading it the next.
I need to stop thinking so much and just enjoy the time I have left with my friends (I sound like I am dying or something).
A few nights ago I gave Nick a picture I drew in november. I had been thinking about drawing him a picture for a while, cause he has asked before, and the other night I remembered about that one. So I tore apart my room, and I had just given up when I saw my sketchbook (my old one) and was like OH YEA! So, I tore it out, wrote a note on the back - which was kind of dumb, but I had to explain the pic, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it in person because I would cry. I don't know if I really got exactly what I wanted to say across, but I think the picture spoke for me. It was some random doodles of me and nick and just him, along with some quotes from songs and random tidbits like dates (when he asked me out, first kiss, first time we met......). My favorite quote from it is from the song "I want to know your plans" by Say Anything, "You're what keeps me believin' this world's not gone dead. Strength in my bones, put the words in my head. When they pour out to paper, its all for you, cause that's what you do. That's what you do." I was so nervous giving it to him becasue a)i don't really like showing my work to people i know really well and b) it was a really personal thing, I felt almost like I ripped out one of the most private pages of my journal and was giving it to him - one that was all about him or something. He said he loves it. Which is a huge relief. I am working on another picture for him now, this one isn't so personal, its just something with one of his favorite lines of an alkaline trio song. I think it is coming along really well, and I hope it turns out as cool as I am imagining, we shall see......


Summary: Stop thinking so much, enjoy it. Draw.

tee hee

made me giggle. don't know why.

wheelchair

pictures of my wheelchair.
for all the people who i complained to about this project - here is the proof that it existed, and that it finally did get finished.
for all those who don't know - I had to build a wheelchair, with two other people. It is made solely out of cardboard, elmer's glue, and red and black acrylic paint. The project was a huge pain, my group sucked, but it looked damn fantastic, and I think we got a high b on it. The assignment - build a half scale and full scale chair. It must have at least two extra utilities (so two other things the chair can do besides be a place to sit). My brilliant group chose to do a wheelchair. The half size is just under a foot and a half tall. The full scale is just under 3 feet tall (32 inches if I remember correctly). Utilities: seat, motion (wheels), shelf under the seat, and ipod holder which "connects" to speakers that are sit on the top of the seat. The seat was also made very thick because it has a lot of cushioning for extra comfort. the seat back was made very low (as to hit just below a child's shoulderblades) so that they can twist around and reach something on the back if they need to. The chair was made to look like a race car - with racing stripes, red and black color scheme, and the style of the lines. So - here are the pictures. I didn't post the detail pics of the little one because it looks identical to the big one.

little things

i hate it when little stupid things bother me. and i have too much time to ponder them, and then they just sit there and bother me. like that one comic thing where ron and harry are poking voldemort and going "bother bother bother". i think thats how it goes anyway. its just frustrating because i can't decide if i am being dumb by letting it bother me, or if i really should listen at least a little to that little bother.

song

when i got home tonight, i was browsing through my itunes, and i found this song - it is by Jack Johnson, and is from the Curious George soundtrack. I really like the sound of it, and the lyrics are cool.

Questions
by Jack Johnson

Questions, I've got some questions
I want to know you
But what if I could ask you only one thing
Only this one time, what would you tell me?
Well maybe you could give me a suggestion
So I could know you, what would you tell me?
Maybe you could tell me what to ask you
Because then I'd know you, what would you tell me
Please tell me that there's time
To make this work for all intents and purposes
And what are your intentions, will you try?
Impressions, you've made impressions
They're going nowhere
They're just going to wait here if you let them
Please don't let them
I want to know you
And if they're going to haunt me
Please collect them
Please just collect them
And now I'm begging
I'm begging you to ask me just one question
One simple question
Because then you'd know me
I'll tell you that there's time
To make this work for all intents and purposes
At least for my own
What is a heart worth if it's just left all alone?
Leave it long enough and watch it turn into stone
Why must we always be untrue?