"I hope you love it all. Suck it all in and let it shape and form you into something amazing, something with depth and breadth and subtle variations in texture and color, the likes of which we've never seen. Love what you do. Love the highs and lows and weave it all into what you are to become. Be blindly in love. Be Shoeless Joe. Hold the bat up to your face. Look at the grain. Feel it on your cheek. Smell the varnish. You'll be better for it. We all will."
- Ernie Schenck
16.9.07
17.8.07
You Reading This, Be Ready
In highschool I took a lit course called "Innocence and Evil". I just found the poem packets from that class. The last poem we read, which I just reread, is amazing.
"You Reading This, Be Ready"
-William Stafford
Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life -
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting now, right in this room, when you turn around?
Another poem I love -
The First Lesson
-Philip Booth
Lie back, daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to you island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently back and wide to the light year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.
"You Reading This, Be Ready"
-William Stafford
Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life -
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting now, right in this room, when you turn around?
Another poem I love -
The First Lesson
-Philip Booth
Lie back, daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to you island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently back and wide to the light year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.
9.2.07
good will hunting
I have never seen this movie before, but I just happened to turn it on at the very beginning, and now i am hooked.
Robin Williams just had a fabulous speech -
Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
Robin Williams just had a fabulous speech -
Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
7.2.07
23.1.07
pause
ok, sidebar, i just realized my last two posts were when i couldn't sleep from thinking.... i see a trend here, and its an annoying one that i can't get rid of. damn personality flaws.
sleep....
one night this week, i want to go to bed without crying. that is my goal. pathetic, i know.
these past two days have been emotional shit. pms sucks balls cause it brings up all those feelings that I can usually ignore. I just want my period to start so i can get some fucking sleep. The past two nights, I have attempted to sleep, ended up thinking way too much (not like i hadn't been doing it all day), but since I have nothing to distract me, I start to cry. And crying wakes me up, and so then I get on my computer and either talk to carolyn (sunday night), or write on here (monday night). lets see what happens tomorrow. hopefully by this time I will be snoring.
I've been thinking too much, and I am becoming very bitter. Which is bad when you want to still be friends and all. I want to talk to him about all this, so hopefully at least some of the bitter will go away, but he is too busy. If I wrote him a letter, I doubt he would answer and it would just add to the bitter pile. So here I am, laying in bed, stewing in my bitter broth. I just want to get all this shit out of the way so we can be friends, and I don't sit there thinking about all of it instead of just relaxing and having fun. But, I can't seem to do that. Vicious internal battles suck.
ok, i think thats all for now, cause I don't feel like emotionally puking all over my blog since a) i don't feel like crying for the third time today (I talked to Sarah earlier and emotionally puked on her), and b) I don't know who all still reads this...
these past two days have been emotional shit. pms sucks balls cause it brings up all those feelings that I can usually ignore. I just want my period to start so i can get some fucking sleep. The past two nights, I have attempted to sleep, ended up thinking way too much (not like i hadn't been doing it all day), but since I have nothing to distract me, I start to cry. And crying wakes me up, and so then I get on my computer and either talk to carolyn (sunday night), or write on here (monday night). lets see what happens tomorrow. hopefully by this time I will be snoring.
I've been thinking too much, and I am becoming very bitter. Which is bad when you want to still be friends and all. I want to talk to him about all this, so hopefully at least some of the bitter will go away, but he is too busy. If I wrote him a letter, I doubt he would answer and it would just add to the bitter pile. So here I am, laying in bed, stewing in my bitter broth. I just want to get all this shit out of the way so we can be friends, and I don't sit there thinking about all of it instead of just relaxing and having fun. But, I can't seem to do that. Vicious internal battles suck.
ok, i think thats all for now, cause I don't feel like emotionally puking all over my blog since a) i don't feel like crying for the third time today (I talked to Sarah earlier and emotionally puked on her), and b) I don't know who all still reads this...
13.1.07
can't sleep
so I got home an hour and a half ago....can't sleep to save my life.
and its not that I am thinking too much about shit (I am starting to since I can't sleep - but thats why I got on here). I am just not sleepy. Which sucks.
God damn it, the 2 button just fell off again. one sec while i put it back on...222222 ok its on. I spilled soda on my keyboard like a month ago, attempted cleaning the keys by popping them off, cleaning, and replacing them. The plan worked well for both 1 and 3 keys, but 2 decided to break, thus ending my cleaning mission for fear of breaking other keys. So the others are sticky, which is annoying as fuck. I think I will clean them again once i get back to school (aka jab qtips soaked in 409 underneath them, and wiggle them around slightly). It helped a bit last time.
So yeah, things have been going slightly better. Its been rough. I made the mistake of looking at the date - its the 13th, or what would have been 23 months with nick, or you could say its been exactly 3 months since we broke up. I never thought it would be this long. Its getting better - there are still a lot of awkward moments, and a lot of times where it is just really fucking painful, but hey, thats what happens when you see him every day. Maybe it will get better when I go back to school. Please. This just sucks.... I am trying not to be bitter, but its really hard when I think back on stuff and think of questions that I want to ask, but shouldn't. I know I shouldn't ask them, but it seems like it would help, but then I would just think of new ones. But then I am left to making up my own answers, which leads me to be bitter because I assume the worst, but then he probably wouldn't have an answer, just more, "I don't know"s. argh. ok new subject, starting to tear up.... thinking too much.... la la la
Break has been good. I have had a blast hanging out with everybody and getting to know the newer guys better.... it makes me not want to go back to school, but I gotta remember that a) i don't want to transfer to slu, that would suck, b) stl just wouldnt be as much fun during school times because my girls aren't here and the guys tht are in town would be too busy with school to hang out. so yeah, back to cinci it is.
Alright, I think I am gonna go play solitaire - sounds mind numbing enough. I would keep writing but I am getting tired of typing on my keyboard since the spacebar and about half the keys are being bitches.
and its not that I am thinking too much about shit (I am starting to since I can't sleep - but thats why I got on here). I am just not sleepy. Which sucks.
God damn it, the 2 button just fell off again. one sec while i put it back on...222222 ok its on. I spilled soda on my keyboard like a month ago, attempted cleaning the keys by popping them off, cleaning, and replacing them. The plan worked well for both 1 and 3 keys, but 2 decided to break, thus ending my cleaning mission for fear of breaking other keys. So the others are sticky, which is annoying as fuck. I think I will clean them again once i get back to school (aka jab qtips soaked in 409 underneath them, and wiggle them around slightly). It helped a bit last time.
So yeah, things have been going slightly better. Its been rough. I made the mistake of looking at the date - its the 13th, or what would have been 23 months with nick, or you could say its been exactly 3 months since we broke up. I never thought it would be this long. Its getting better - there are still a lot of awkward moments, and a lot of times where it is just really fucking painful, but hey, thats what happens when you see him every day. Maybe it will get better when I go back to school. Please. This just sucks.... I am trying not to be bitter, but its really hard when I think back on stuff and think of questions that I want to ask, but shouldn't. I know I shouldn't ask them, but it seems like it would help, but then I would just think of new ones. But then I am left to making up my own answers, which leads me to be bitter because I assume the worst, but then he probably wouldn't have an answer, just more, "I don't know"s. argh. ok new subject, starting to tear up.... thinking too much.... la la la
Break has been good. I have had a blast hanging out with everybody and getting to know the newer guys better.... it makes me not want to go back to school, but I gotta remember that a) i don't want to transfer to slu, that would suck, b) stl just wouldnt be as much fun during school times because my girls aren't here and the guys tht are in town would be too busy with school to hang out. so yeah, back to cinci it is.
Alright, I think I am gonna go play solitaire - sounds mind numbing enough. I would keep writing but I am getting tired of typing on my keyboard since the spacebar and about half the keys are being bitches.
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