In my random bumblings about the internet I thought once again of my dear, poor abandoned old blog. So here I am, writing yet another odd update...
The biggest news, of course, is that America finally got their head out of their asses and elected Barack Obama. I love that the election was nowhere near close. America let out a resounding "yes we can". Dooce posted an amazing paragraph on why she believes in him. Basically, I believe that he can motivate Americans to pull ourselves out of this pile of shit we have decided to call home. For some reason, especially people of my generation, seem content with the current state of affairs, which is quickly slipping downwards. As frustrating as that is, I don't know how to remedy it. I feel that Obama has plans as well as the charisma and enthusiasm to get America off their asses and doing something about the world falling apart around them. Since it is my senior year, I am trying to come up with a thesis. Recently, I had been thinking a lot on the state of the US and my frustration and fear as to my future. The question that comes to my mind now is if my thesis will have the same tone as it would have before Obama. I still fear for my country and future, however, there is a white lining now. There is a hope for the future instead of this black pit we seemed stuck in. Should I convey that in my thesis? I don't know! Should my thesis motivate others as a call to action or just showcase my fears? If you can't tell, I'm pretty much freaking out about my thesis. But oh well, what can you do? Well, Jonathan told me to just start journaling. I bought a sketchbook yesterday for my thesis (which I should have done months ago), which is currently sitting empty. Of course. I need to get working on that. And I will. Oh fuck, I just remembered something else I have to get working on. Ok, well, I have to get to my homework and some designs I promised to do for choir. I'll write more later - hopefully in a couple days and not months. haha.
Yes we can...
http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_of_Senator_Barack_Obama_on_New_Hampshire_Primary_Night
5.11.08
23.7.08
update ya'll!
haha. After reading numerous blogs today, I figured maybe I should update my own.
Funny little updates : I was reading dooce today, and I realized I wear the same size show as her, even though she is probably like a foot taller. unfair. This comes after going shoe shopping yesterday and last week (dsw and target respectively) and finding nothing that I felt worth spending the money on. The depressing thing is that since my feet are so big (read popular) sized, there is very little selection in my size (8 1/2). But 6's etc?? oh the most adorable shoes you can imagine! Why do I have such large feet? NOT FAIR. I don't want to be any taller, in fact I really enjoy being short. It doesn't bother me in the slightest (ok except maybe when I'm in a crowded place where I feel squished and can't see past the head of the person next to me) but I love that the majority of guys are taller than me. To the point that I can wear heels around almost all guys and not worry a bit about affecting their masculinity or whatever problem they have when women are taller. haha.
Also, I was reading a woman's blog that was linked from hers, and I found hers really interesting as well. She had a list of 150 things about her, the majority of them I pretty much agreed with or could see myself saying at some point in my life (ie I haven't done them yet, but it wouldn't be out of left field for me to...).
I realized that I love blogs. They are little peaks into people's lives, and if they are honest, you have a sense of what its like to be them. Unlike reality shows where you see the mundane moments of their lives that the producer deemed important, blogs are little moments in a person's life that they deemed important enough to share. Not even important, interesting maybe. But what they choose to write about says volumes about them. I find that fascinating!! Also, it seems that the majority of these bloggers also take pictures and post them. Its yet another way of documenting their lives, the interesting little tidbits. I dunno, I guess it all appeals to my nosiness and curiosity about other people. I love to people watch, and to think about how each person you see, every single car you see on the highway, every passerby has their own life, their own story, their own drama. It is rather mind blowing to think about all the different things going on in people's lives and how your life and theirs intersect for a second, but then probably never will again. Each person has a kind of family to some extent, as well as friends, a house or apartment or something, a destination, etc etc.... One thing I love to do at the coffee shop is ask people if they have plans for the day. I always ask the regulars just because, in some sense, I am a friend, and I'm trying to make conversation. But those that I have never seen before are the most interesting to ask. The woman in the business outfit who you would expect to be heading to a meeting is actually going to go see a movie with her husband later. The man in the laid back clothes has the day off from work .... etc etc... I dunno, its fascinating! weird. I know. oh well.
Basically, at the moment I am at work. Alone. Boss is off at meetings and such and left the gallery all to me. So basically, I did all the work he told me to in about an hour and now I'm just goofing off. But hey, what do I usually do at work? goof off. Honestly, as much as I love this job, there just isn't all that much to do at the gallery. Boss just works kinda slow and so everything takes him all day, while it takes me like an hour or two. Oh well, its not like I am getting paid so I can't feel guilty. haha.
Hmmm what else to talk about? I don't really feel like talking about the boy situation at the moment. Its been bouncing around in my head for a while, and I have explained it (sorta) to Carolyn and Sarah, so I don't really feel like talking about it again. I'm just kinda in the mood to stop fucking thinking and see what happens. Just keep hanging on and see where it takes you. Caitlin and I are working our way through Grey's Anatomy seasons 1-3. Currently, I'm on the second disc of the third season. However, in one of the earlier seasons, there is a quote from the ending monologue of the show, it says something along the lines of "even the most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying". So here's to making mistakes. Hopefully not horrible ones, but mistakes.
Funny little updates : I was reading dooce today, and I realized I wear the same size show as her, even though she is probably like a foot taller. unfair. This comes after going shoe shopping yesterday and last week (dsw and target respectively) and finding nothing that I felt worth spending the money on. The depressing thing is that since my feet are so big (read popular) sized, there is very little selection in my size (8 1/2). But 6's etc?? oh the most adorable shoes you can imagine! Why do I have such large feet? NOT FAIR. I don't want to be any taller, in fact I really enjoy being short. It doesn't bother me in the slightest (ok except maybe when I'm in a crowded place where I feel squished and can't see past the head of the person next to me) but I love that the majority of guys are taller than me. To the point that I can wear heels around almost all guys and not worry a bit about affecting their masculinity or whatever problem they have when women are taller. haha.
Also, I was reading a woman's blog that was linked from hers, and I found hers really interesting as well. She had a list of 150 things about her, the majority of them I pretty much agreed with or could see myself saying at some point in my life (ie I haven't done them yet, but it wouldn't be out of left field for me to...).
I realized that I love blogs. They are little peaks into people's lives, and if they are honest, you have a sense of what its like to be them. Unlike reality shows where you see the mundane moments of their lives that the producer deemed important, blogs are little moments in a person's life that they deemed important enough to share. Not even important, interesting maybe. But what they choose to write about says volumes about them. I find that fascinating!! Also, it seems that the majority of these bloggers also take pictures and post them. Its yet another way of documenting their lives, the interesting little tidbits. I dunno, I guess it all appeals to my nosiness and curiosity about other people. I love to people watch, and to think about how each person you see, every single car you see on the highway, every passerby has their own life, their own story, their own drama. It is rather mind blowing to think about all the different things going on in people's lives and how your life and theirs intersect for a second, but then probably never will again. Each person has a kind of family to some extent, as well as friends, a house or apartment or something, a destination, etc etc.... One thing I love to do at the coffee shop is ask people if they have plans for the day. I always ask the regulars just because, in some sense, I am a friend, and I'm trying to make conversation. But those that I have never seen before are the most interesting to ask. The woman in the business outfit who you would expect to be heading to a meeting is actually going to go see a movie with her husband later. The man in the laid back clothes has the day off from work .... etc etc... I dunno, its fascinating! weird. I know. oh well.
Basically, at the moment I am at work. Alone. Boss is off at meetings and such and left the gallery all to me. So basically, I did all the work he told me to in about an hour and now I'm just goofing off. But hey, what do I usually do at work? goof off. Honestly, as much as I love this job, there just isn't all that much to do at the gallery. Boss just works kinda slow and so everything takes him all day, while it takes me like an hour or two. Oh well, its not like I am getting paid so I can't feel guilty. haha.
Hmmm what else to talk about? I don't really feel like talking about the boy situation at the moment. Its been bouncing around in my head for a while, and I have explained it (sorta) to Carolyn and Sarah, so I don't really feel like talking about it again. I'm just kinda in the mood to stop fucking thinking and see what happens. Just keep hanging on and see where it takes you. Caitlin and I are working our way through Grey's Anatomy seasons 1-3. Currently, I'm on the second disc of the third season. However, in one of the earlier seasons, there is a quote from the ending monologue of the show, it says something along the lines of "even the most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying". So here's to making mistakes. Hopefully not horrible ones, but mistakes.
2.5.08
crazy
I think this past and upcoming week are driving me to insanity. I have never had a more crowded exam week. I have thirteen things due/exams. I am so tired of counting them, but for some reason that makes me feel productive. more productive than when i actually sit down to write my papers etc... for some reason, i have absolutely no motivation. i have so many other thoughts going on in my head right now.
for the first time in my life, my summer is totally weird. i know thats a horrible description, i can't say free or up in the air, cause that is what grade school summers were like. but that's almost like what it is. foggy. maybe thats a better word. i still don't know my work schedule, or my schedule for the gallery. or if i am even working at the gallery! should i bother submitting a resume to the website design place?? i dont think i have enough experience, but I want to gain more. argh. i don't want to think about it. i just want to go home and lay in my mommy, or carolyn, or sarah, or keegan's laps and cry, or breathe. just breathe.
i feel so suffocated. i don't have time to myself, but i do. my every waking moment is filled with what i need to be doing. i am so paranoid that what i am doing or not doing this summer is going to fuck up my life. what if i do that gallery job, is that enough of an experience graphic design wise to help me in the future? i dont even know! argh. what the fuck. i dont want to think about it.
and then there's the boy situation. i havent had a boyfriend in a year and a half. its hard to think about. i think i am, no, i cant even finish that sentence. because i know i am not. in my deeper self, i know i am not and will never be. songs that make me think of him still put me in an odd mood, thankfully i dont cry anymore, but they still depress me. the other day i watched the notebook and i found myself sobbing and cursing him. i can never watch that movie alone again because there are too many parallels. or am i just drawing those because my mind likes to go to that? on the whole guy side, i have messed around with too many and yet, for some reason, i am not good enough for any of them. what about me screams one night stand? why dont they ever want to actually get to know me? i have tried not going home with guys, but then i never hear from them again. i really think i just need to learn to say no. guys can get shot down. they'll deal with it. most of them are heartless anyway. whats going on with adam? should i even keep pursuing that? is he too old? does he like me or am i annoying? does he just want to hook up with me? is this just a really long extended night of a guy trying to hook up with a girl? is that what i am in it for? is that what all relationships are?? or at least the ones i have been in? urgh..
i am scared shitless to stay here over the summer. i feel like its going to end up with me being pretty damn lonely. emily, from the main cup, said something tonight that hit really really close to home. she was talking about how she doesnt like to be alone. she said that she used to like it, until she got to college and fell victim to depression. ever since then, she dreads being alone. it scared me how much that seemed to go along with my situation. the whole college experience has made it really hard for me to be alone. when i am alone with my thoughts, i just start thinking too much and it ends up with me getting all kinds of upset. its slightly better now that i am not as depressed as i was fresh and soph year. but still, shivers down my spine.
i can't believe i am trying this hard to procrastinate. my brain was just grasping for more things to talk about so i can avoid writing my papers for that much longer. what is wrong with me? usually i am not this bad! i can't wait for the night before to write these damn papers either, because i have so much shit to study for. because my teachers decided to be bitches and give me papers AND exams instead of just one or the other. at the moment, the only class i like (for the whole end of the year situation) is history.
oh and what the fuck is with the art department and my solo show?? as of right now, i dont think I am going to have a solo show. that upsets me a lot more than I thought it would. i am .02 away from the required gpa. WHAT THE FUCK. thats a lot of what has been driving me nuts. sigh.
holy hell, i think i just need to go home and shower and relax and write up an outline for my history of art paper. its jackson pollock, like it can be that hard. it'll be like two hours tops once i actually start writing.
onwards and upwards (i dunno... just sounded good in my head)
Katie
for the first time in my life, my summer is totally weird. i know thats a horrible description, i can't say free or up in the air, cause that is what grade school summers were like. but that's almost like what it is. foggy. maybe thats a better word. i still don't know my work schedule, or my schedule for the gallery. or if i am even working at the gallery! should i bother submitting a resume to the website design place?? i dont think i have enough experience, but I want to gain more. argh. i don't want to think about it. i just want to go home and lay in my mommy, or carolyn, or sarah, or keegan's laps and cry, or breathe. just breathe.
i feel so suffocated. i don't have time to myself, but i do. my every waking moment is filled with what i need to be doing. i am so paranoid that what i am doing or not doing this summer is going to fuck up my life. what if i do that gallery job, is that enough of an experience graphic design wise to help me in the future? i dont even know! argh. what the fuck. i dont want to think about it.
and then there's the boy situation. i havent had a boyfriend in a year and a half. its hard to think about. i think i am, no, i cant even finish that sentence. because i know i am not. in my deeper self, i know i am not and will never be. songs that make me think of him still put me in an odd mood, thankfully i dont cry anymore, but they still depress me. the other day i watched the notebook and i found myself sobbing and cursing him. i can never watch that movie alone again because there are too many parallels. or am i just drawing those because my mind likes to go to that? on the whole guy side, i have messed around with too many and yet, for some reason, i am not good enough for any of them. what about me screams one night stand? why dont they ever want to actually get to know me? i have tried not going home with guys, but then i never hear from them again. i really think i just need to learn to say no. guys can get shot down. they'll deal with it. most of them are heartless anyway. whats going on with adam? should i even keep pursuing that? is he too old? does he like me or am i annoying? does he just want to hook up with me? is this just a really long extended night of a guy trying to hook up with a girl? is that what i am in it for? is that what all relationships are?? or at least the ones i have been in? urgh..
i am scared shitless to stay here over the summer. i feel like its going to end up with me being pretty damn lonely. emily, from the main cup, said something tonight that hit really really close to home. she was talking about how she doesnt like to be alone. she said that she used to like it, until she got to college and fell victim to depression. ever since then, she dreads being alone. it scared me how much that seemed to go along with my situation. the whole college experience has made it really hard for me to be alone. when i am alone with my thoughts, i just start thinking too much and it ends up with me getting all kinds of upset. its slightly better now that i am not as depressed as i was fresh and soph year. but still, shivers down my spine.
i can't believe i am trying this hard to procrastinate. my brain was just grasping for more things to talk about so i can avoid writing my papers for that much longer. what is wrong with me? usually i am not this bad! i can't wait for the night before to write these damn papers either, because i have so much shit to study for. because my teachers decided to be bitches and give me papers AND exams instead of just one or the other. at the moment, the only class i like (for the whole end of the year situation) is history.
oh and what the fuck is with the art department and my solo show?? as of right now, i dont think I am going to have a solo show. that upsets me a lot more than I thought it would. i am .02 away from the required gpa. WHAT THE FUCK. thats a lot of what has been driving me nuts. sigh.
holy hell, i think i just need to go home and shower and relax and write up an outline for my history of art paper. its jackson pollock, like it can be that hard. it'll be like two hours tops once i actually start writing.
onwards and upwards (i dunno... just sounded good in my head)
Katie
5.2.08
weird
i hate this mood.
i had a blast this weekend, and yet i have been in such a funk.
last week i had weird vivid anxiety dreams. i just looked up the meaning of accident and late, both things that have been in my dreams a lot. both said that i am having a lot of anxiety right now and i need to calm down. gee, thanks. i couldnt have figured that out myself.
i guess i am stressed out, with lots of stuff to do etc...
but what is mostly bothering me today is boys. i know its stupid to let it affect me so much, but alas it is. last night was a ton of fun (superbowl party), but i played one round of beer pong too many. i got a lot more drunk than i expected to. i flirted a lot with Brandon, which is kinda a problem and kinda not. i really like brandon, so thats why its not a problem. however, he has a gf (i think, although they are fighting all the time - fingers crossed! wow i sound like a horrible person...) and i dont know if he remembers us flirting, but i dunno. he also smokes pot, a lot. i dunno if i would be able to deal with/ be ok with that. lastly, i think i am a little embarressed because cait and andrew werent really drunk, so they obviously remember and i dunno what they think of me. i dont like being that out of control and others being sober and judging me. that really worries me. ugh, oh well. its not like i see brandon all that often and its not like anything is ever going to happen with him. even as i type that i am like "but maybe"..... but lets not get our hopes up.... it just leads to more emotional fuck ups later. oh god, and i have started referring to myself as we. this isnt good.
oh well. whatever. maybe i can fall asleep now amidst this pounding fucking headache.
i had a blast this weekend, and yet i have been in such a funk.
last week i had weird vivid anxiety dreams. i just looked up the meaning of accident and late, both things that have been in my dreams a lot. both said that i am having a lot of anxiety right now and i need to calm down. gee, thanks. i couldnt have figured that out myself.
i guess i am stressed out, with lots of stuff to do etc...
but what is mostly bothering me today is boys. i know its stupid to let it affect me so much, but alas it is. last night was a ton of fun (superbowl party), but i played one round of beer pong too many. i got a lot more drunk than i expected to. i flirted a lot with Brandon, which is kinda a problem and kinda not. i really like brandon, so thats why its not a problem. however, he has a gf (i think, although they are fighting all the time - fingers crossed! wow i sound like a horrible person...) and i dont know if he remembers us flirting, but i dunno. he also smokes pot, a lot. i dunno if i would be able to deal with/ be ok with that. lastly, i think i am a little embarressed because cait and andrew werent really drunk, so they obviously remember and i dunno what they think of me. i dont like being that out of control and others being sober and judging me. that really worries me. ugh, oh well. its not like i see brandon all that often and its not like anything is ever going to happen with him. even as i type that i am like "but maybe"..... but lets not get our hopes up.... it just leads to more emotional fuck ups later. oh god, and i have started referring to myself as we. this isnt good.
oh well. whatever. maybe i can fall asleep now amidst this pounding fucking headache.
30.1.08
things that suck
*having a good day be totally ruined by one thing, which leads to another, and another....
*getting a speeding ticket when you thought the speed limit was 35....
*realizing you are going to have to reread 33 pages of reading because your teacher just sent you study questions that you can't answer from memory.
*feeling totally overwhelmed even though the back of your brain knows you can handle it
*crying because feeling overwhelmed even though you know you are being stupid
*cramps
*paying your own heating bills aka living in a freezing cold house
*being on non speaking terms with your roommate
*overhearing your roommate make out with her boyfriend on the stairs while you are in the living room.
*overthinking what is ruining your day and therefore feeling worse and not better.
therefore, i am going to stop making this list.
*getting a speeding ticket when you thought the speed limit was 35....
*realizing you are going to have to reread 33 pages of reading because your teacher just sent you study questions that you can't answer from memory.
*feeling totally overwhelmed even though the back of your brain knows you can handle it
*crying because feeling overwhelmed even though you know you are being stupid
*cramps
*paying your own heating bills aka living in a freezing cold house
*being on non speaking terms with your roommate
*overhearing your roommate make out with her boyfriend on the stairs while you are in the living room.
*overthinking what is ruining your day and therefore feeling worse and not better.
therefore, i am going to stop making this list.
16.9.07
Commarts
"I hope you love it all. Suck it all in and let it shape and form you into something amazing, something with depth and breadth and subtle variations in texture and color, the likes of which we've never seen. Love what you do. Love the highs and lows and weave it all into what you are to become. Be blindly in love. Be Shoeless Joe. Hold the bat up to your face. Look at the grain. Feel it on your cheek. Smell the varnish. You'll be better for it. We all will."
- Ernie Schenck
- Ernie Schenck
17.8.07
You Reading This, Be Ready
In highschool I took a lit course called "Innocence and Evil". I just found the poem packets from that class. The last poem we read, which I just reread, is amazing.
"You Reading This, Be Ready"
-William Stafford
Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life -
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting now, right in this room, when you turn around?
Another poem I love -
The First Lesson
-Philip Booth
Lie back, daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to you island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently back and wide to the light year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.
"You Reading This, Be Ready"
-William Stafford
Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life -
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting now, right in this room, when you turn around?
Another poem I love -
The First Lesson
-Philip Booth
Lie back, daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to you island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently back and wide to the light year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.
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